To all those people who have been complaining about the abnormally chilly weather, I bet you’re all sorry now, aren’t ya?

I personally was cursing the sweltering heat to the high heavens last Thursday when I was walking to auditions for future replacements in the upcoming musical, American Idiot. How adequate, I had thought to myself. I’m an idiot for wearing boots on a 90 degree day. I’d be perfect for this show. Walking into an audition looking as if I’d just come from the gym (and apparently worked out in a really nice skirt and high heel boots) was not really what I had been going for.

I need not have worried though. After an hour of sitting in the waiting room, the climate of which was akin to the arctic tundra, I looked as good as new, albeit rather goosepimply. (Is that a word? Goosepimply? Goosebumply? Goosebump-infested?)

The audition went well, by the way.

The next day, I was cursing the heat again as I walked to an audition for background vocals on a new album by Todd English. I must’ve looked as if I’d just walked out of the blazing depths of hell by the time I reached the studio. Then the thought struck me, At least this is a singing audition, not a model call. Looking at things from that perspective, I could’ve kissed the ground for my luck (except that I wouldn’t really, because these are NYC streets we’re talking about and that’s just gross). In the end, the audition seemed to go remarkably well, so I guess the producer wasn’t as bothered by my sweaty exterior as I was.

Today, I trekked all the way to New Jersey to audition for an indie feature produced by America Onfilm. This time, I was prepared. I got there, ran to the bathroom, temporarily stripped and wiped myself down with a towel, took a shower in cologne, and applied makeup as necessary. Writing it out now, it sounds horribly yucky and tedious, but heck, what can I do?

On the bright side, I hear it’s a sign of physical fitness if you sweat easily. Hah! I’m physically fit. Yippee. Then again, Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft is the epitome of fit and she stayed beautifully unshiny even when she was beating people up and raiding tombs. I guess I just can’t win.

Moral of the story: Never compare yourself to Angelina Jolie, or you’ll just be depressed.

You know you’re in trouble when you wake up one morning and suddenly realize that you are completely infatuated…with someone who doesn’t exist.

I’m in trouble.

The fictional man that I refer to here is the famous detective L, from the anime series Death Note. I don’t watch much anime, so it’s just my luck that one of the few series that I do watch stars a young man who is fated to torture me with his nonexistence. So now, here I am, crushing on a man who is fictional. And animated, no less. My life is great, no?

What’s strange is that he’s not a figure that would typically be deemed attractive. It’s his eccentric mannerisms, his superb deductive reasoning skills, and his dry humor that have sent me head over heels.

I wonder, though, if this predicament of mine has anything to do with the fact that L possesses many qualities of a character that I would love to play. If animated characters could receive Oscars, then this animated man would surely be a recipient.

But then, how terrifying would it be for all us actors if animated characters really could receive Oscars? Our careers would be over. Johnny Depp himself once stated that Victor, the character he voiced in Tim Burton’s animated feature Corpse Bride, was a better actor than he was.

This also brings up the idea of how much easier it is to incorporate lavish spectacles into animated films than into live action films. Imagine the fortune it would have cost to produce Pixar’s The Incredibles as a live action feature instead (obviously Pixar wouldn’t be producing this live action film, but bear with me here). For those of you who haven’t seen the film, I’ll just say that it contains wicked superpowers, flying thingamabobbers, and explosions. Lots of explosions.

Slightly more worrisome are films such as the eerily realistic, motion capture animated Beowulf released in 2007, starring Anthony Hopkins and Angelina Jolie. Heck, Angelina looked even more dazzling when she was animated. I didn’t think there could be anyone who could surpass Angelina Jolie’s beauty. But apparently there is someone: animated Angelina Jolie.

At this rate, the future of actors looks bleak. I don’t worry much though, since I figure that when it happens, if it happens, I’ll be long gone. Hopefully, when that dreadful time comes, none of my descendants will have been bitten by the acting bug like I was. Then again, they’ll have bigger things to worry about, like the planet that’s supposed to be smashing into Earth in about a billion years. Good luck getting out of that one.

Despite all these paranoid musings that I don’t actually believe in too much, I’m not worried, as I said. After all, an animated Lisa Long could never beat the original.

I’m the real deal.


-(The Original) Lisa Long